|I need a bag of these things.|
Today was not like my other days...I wasn't procrastinating...
Today was just... one of THOSE days.
I have mixed bipolar. I'll explain more about that here in a while...
I was battling some of my issues, but mostly - I was sitting here trying to figure out what to write. I like to be entertaining... I like to make people laugh. Therefore: I like my entries to be entertaining and funny.
Yeah, I know, welcome to the office of redundancy office.
So, I spent most of the day agonizing about what to write that would be both entertaining and funny... but I couldn't come up with anything. Well... that's not true... I have lots of ideas... but most of them were only entertaining - none of them were funny... so I was at a loss.
Yesterday... or, technically, two days ago... New Years Day... I spent several hours hanging out with my dear friend Ariana. We discussed my blog because I'm THAT guy... I'm the guy that wants to craft something wondrous and amazing... I want to craft a blog that is a magical place that will enchant readers... like Detroit, Michigan.
|This is Detroit. If you don't believe me, go to|
http://maps.google.com, enter 3678 Bewick St,
Detroit, MI. Go to street view, and turn around.
This guy is behind you!
Ariana and I were discussing my blog. What blog? You're reading it... right now. How meta is that? I know... MIND BLOWN!
She pointed out that even the funniest blogs that she's read, and a couple of them we have in common (The Bloggess, Hyperbole and a Half, and Ari's favorite - Mommy Needs Vodka), they are funny people. Funny and entertaining... but they aren't always on. They have some of the most heart-wrenching and tear-jerking posts and essays of the modern age.
She said, "You don't always have to be on."
So... today is one of the off days.
On a side note... I decided and started this post before I went and read The Bloggess and Hyperbole and a Half today... Both of them wrote about depression. I guess December 31st is New Years (Rockin') Eve. January 1st is New Years Day and January second is "I want to slit my wrists just so I can see some color" day.
There are a few different types of bipolar. This disorder used to be called "Manic-Depressive" Disorder.
Now, before I go into details... I want to explain something. When I've been in a depressive phase - people have taken it upon themselves to explain that it's not that bad... That they were really sad at some point and that it will all get better.
Now, I'm not trying to diminish your experiences or emotions in any way. I am not trying to belittle you and I am not trying to tell you that the way you feel is invalid. I am also not trying to be arrogant enough to tell you that my emotions are more intense than yours, that my ennui, sadness, etc. is worse than yours.
That being said - You. Have. No. Idea.
I personally feel that the term "Depression" should be changed. People hear depression and they think to themselves, "I've been depressed." Depression isn't being sad. Or, rather... it isn't JUST being sad.
Bipolar disorders are the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain. The reason it's called bipolar is because your brain is malfunctioning and for a portion of your time puts you at the extreme ends of the mood spectrum. I'll explain those here in a second... The average person operates between a 4 and a 6 on the emotional scale (from 1-10) for most of their lives... The bipolar mind swings down to 1 and up to 10 from time to time.
Depression... your down cycles are depression. Depression symptoms are sadness, anxiety, irritability, loss of energy, uncontrollable crying, change in appetite causing weight loss or gain, increased need for sleep, difficulty making decisions, and thoughts of death or suicide. You can have one or all... Most of the time, I get the loss of energy and will cry for NO DAMN REASON... That's right... you can be in a depressive phase and have NO IDEA that you are depressed. You'll find yourself watching Scrubs on comedy central and burst out crying because Dr. Cox looks displeased. I once cried for 4 hours because I was out of peanut butter.
Mania... Mania symptoms may include excessive happiness, excitement, irritability, restlessness, increased energy, less need for sleep, racing thoughts, high sex drive, and a tendency to make grand and unattainable plans. Literally - you feel 90 feet tall and bullet-proof. You feel like Godzilla on crack.
Type 1 is more depressive than manic.
Type 2 is more manic than depressive.
I'm Mixed Bipolar... to quote WebMD - In most forms of bipolar disorder, moods alternate between elevated and depressed over time. But with mixed bipolar disorder, a person experiences both mania and depression simultaneously or in rapid sequence.
That's right kiddies - I am blessed with the ability to be both manic and depressive at the same time...
So... Today, I was on a down-swing. I couldn't get out of bed, except to pee.
Bipolar is weird... Sometimes something... ANYTHING will trigger a change... other times you spend months in a down phase...
Today, I got up (to pee, of course) and looked in the mirror and noticed that my hair was starting to fade from BLUE to a sea-foam greenish blue. I saw this and decided with a fierce determination that I was going to touch it up.
Touching up the hair is a multi-step process. You have to put it on, let it sit, then wash it out... While you let it sit, you absolutely HAVE to have chips. Sooo... off to Family Dollar to pick up some cheap ass potato chips.
I grabbed my camera (That's what I do when I leave the house) and went to the store. I got my potato chips. (These are surprisingly cheap and very tasty) with the last of my found-pants-dollars. I even managed to get some photos taken on my way back. (Picture 1, Picture 2, and Picture 3)...
|Damn that concrete is cold!|
Then I cam home and put the Punky Color dye in my hair, and sat down, shoved chips into my mouth and watched some crappy TV.
It was over. Well... not entirely... I am still fighting the urge to just lay down on the couch and pull a blanket over my head and just sleep. I honestly could do it for 4 or 5 days... But I will be damned if I will be beat by my brain!
Wait... That's not right... I... you know what I mean.
I haven't gone into detail about how I feel when I am depressed... Nothing I say can truly express it. I can tell you this - If you've never experienced it... you can't understand.
I spoke to a mother who had horrible postpartum depression. She explained it like this... "I thought I had a pretty shitty life and that I was really sad. I thought my mood was no higher than a 1. After Meghan was born, I learned that my mood was actually a 3.5 most of the time, and the postpartum put me down at a 1. I never want to be there again. Now days - I am happy to be a 5."
|Fuck the Zoloft egg|
It's not like the commercials make you think it is... I am not a sad egg. I don't feel like I am under a rain cloud.
I don't have any words to describe the desolation, and I really have no interest in wasting your time and mine as we have no common frame of reference... but if you know someone with bipolar disorder... try to understand - we're doing the best that we can.