Care and Feeding of your Aspie: Part 7 - Tantrum avoidance

This Ashwin Gopala Krishnan - a 23 year old man with autism and his
mother as she comforts him after a breakdown at the beach.

In past entries in this series, I have covered possible causes of agitation in your Aspie, but I have yet to talk about diffusing the situation. Management of stress, agitation and anger issues is an art form. While art is not something that is for everyone, but mastering this art can benefit you a great deal. It can benefit your Aspie even more. 

What most Mental Health professionals neglect to tell people (or are, perhaps, ignorant of it) is that tantrums, anger outbursts and meltdowns are as hard, if not harder on your Aspie (and in fact, all Autistic Spectrum individuals). We don't want to be angry, loud, hateful or obnoxious and when we breakdown outside of our own paradigm of thought, we are inflicted with cognitive dissonance. As we have discussed previously in Part 5 (http://wayoutonthecorner.blogspot.com/2013/04/care-and-feeding-of-your-aspie-part-5.html), cognitive dissonance is uncomfortable at best... and can cause damage to your Aspie's psyche at it's worst.

Please watch this video before you continue reading: http://vimeo.com/14409696

When you notice that your Aspie is starting to become agitated, try the following steps...

Safety First
If your Aspie has become physically violent, thrashing about or flailing - (This can happen LONG before a tantrum actually starts.) remember safety first... DO NOT attempt to restrain them. This can lead to you getting injured and then you won't be able to help your Aspie. FURTHER, it can accelerate the process and jump them straight into a full blown meltdown. Instead, remove any objects that can be damaging, knocked over or may fall, causing injury.


Communicate
If your Aspie is still verbal, asking them what is causing the anxiety or stress can help identify a possible solution. This should be done in a respectful manner. Asking and Autistic Spectrum individual something like "What now?" will only exacerbate the problem and will accelerate the tantrum/melt down cycle.

Attempt to rectify the situation - post haste
If it is something that can be removed from the environment, remove it immediately (turn off the music or television, ask someone to leave the room, take away the abhorrent food item. If the cause cannot be removed, then relocate your Aspie to another location.

Limit Stimuli
If your Aspie has gone non-verbal, remove sources of stimulation. This means turn off the television, radio, music... if you can, turn down the lights. As we have discussed, Autistic Spectrum individuals often have problems with sensory input... We hear, feel, and see things a lot more potently than others. If your Aspie is non-verbal, they won't be able to tell you what is wrong. You have to try to anticipate the issues.

Physically calm your Aspie
THIS NEXT SUGGESTION IS ONLY FOR THOSE AUTISTIC SPECTRUM INDIVIDUALS THAT RESPOND TO TOUCH FROM A FAMILIAR PERSON - DO NOT FORCE TOUCH ON YOUR ASPIE IF THEY ARE NOT KNOWN TO RESPOND TO IT FAVORABLY. It has been shown that some Autistic Spectrum individuals respond well and benefit from massage therapy. If your Aspie is one that responds to this, rubbing shoulders, head or back can have a rapidly soothing effect. My sister responds especially well to having someone stand behind her, place an arm across her shoulders and leaning your cheek on her head.

Help Them
Be observant... If they are agitated and have started tugging at a piece of clothing, seem averse to a specific object, person, etc. Help them. Help them remove the clothing. Help them by asking the person to leave until the incident is over. Help them by removing the offending object.

Speak in Soothing Tones
As we have discussed, your Aspie often suffers from being hyper-vigilant. This means that your tone will be magnified in their ears. If you are angry, they will become defensive on top of everything else. And I mean it... be soothing... do not condescend. Just because your Aspie is socially inept and is having an issue that makes them seem child-like, condescension will only worsen the issues.

Stay Calm
The calmer you are, the more likely you are to be able to calm them down. If you panic - it is almost a sure bet that they will, too.

Stay with Them
If this is scary for you, imagine how it is for them. We don't want to be like this. We don't want to have tantrums and meltdowns. These events are beyond our control, and are often contrary to how we feel at the time. So our brain is betraying us. Stay with your Aspie. If you leave - you are likely to add anxiety or all out panic to the issue.

Sometimes, You Have to Let It Happen
Sometimes, it is inevitable - It will happen. This is not a failure as a parent or guardian. It is just the way it is. If you cannot manage the tantrum and eliminate it... You will have to ride it out. Stay calm and keep your Aspie safe. Above all else... DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. If your Aspie does not go non-verbal, they will likely say something hurtful that they do not mean. Seriously, don't take it personally... That is the tantrum speaking... Not the Aspie.

Weather the storm - It's worth it. 

Images in this issue SHAMELESSLY stolen from the following sources:
http://b.vimeocdn.com/ts/845/283/84528382_640.jpg
http://aptosolutions.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/100_0890.jpg
http://7tattoo.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/calm_the_fuck_down_by_mooh438.jpg
http://s3.favim.com/orig/46/love-stay-stay-with-me-text-with-me-Favim.com-418871.jpg
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_XoQeTjwI24s/SQourhrypRI/AAAAAAAAAAg/Cr10CPLNebA/S660/weather-picture-photo-lightning-storm-joe-holmes-weather.jpg

Watch this.

Stop shaming... Period

See? Big can be beautiful, too.

Let me start by saying that my permanent partner is a size 18 and is goddamn sexy for it. For that matter, most of my play partners through the years have been "bigger women."

I stand almost 7 feet tall and weigh in at almost 300 pounds. I have never been into the skinny minnies, by choice - but sexy is sexy and I have been with a few of them as well. To be honest... most of my attraction is based on durability of body and spirit. At my size and my tastes in sexual activity... if she's not sturdy, it's not worth it...

I also disagree with the american standards of beauty. I disagree with the fact that almost of the models featured in magazine and print ads are little girls that are under-aged and sexualized by their jobs... then cast aside because they hit age 16.  I disagree with the way that the american beauty standard makes women feel. I disagree with our culture of non-consensual sexual violence...

I also disagree with how people express their desire or lack there of to people. There is no need for the rude comments, there is no need for the attacks, and there is no need for the lack of respectful behavior...

That being said... I find the current trend in shaming people for their opinions and what they find attractive to be deplorable.

I see a double standard... There are many women that have been upset by the fact that they are heavier than men like. They are complaining about the fact that they don't appeal to the individual they have an interest in. They are complaining that the men are too shallow to find them attractive...

Yup... It's a double standard, alright!

They are happy with themselves... which I tout and celebrate... but they are living a double standard... Many of the same people that I see complaining about this are also guilty of turning attractive men into sex objects and being just as shallow... They will drool over a man with abs. They drool over the handsome men and stair at the ripped movie stars. They make sexual comments about gorgeous men on the streets and in coffee shops...

All of this is fine and good. I feel that if someone finds something attractive, they are within their rights to pursue that...

But there is a horrible double standard in this.

Men are shallow and horrible for not finding the bigger women attractive... They are horrible people for liking what they like...

Yet, I can tell you the bigger girls... some of whom i have RECENTLY seen complain about this behavior have been as bad or worse...

I know this, because I experience it...

I am a big man. I am not what most people find attractive. Being a monster of a man, hairy, chubby with a thinning spot, quiet and suffering from crippling social anxiety...

I know this, because they haven't been kind. They haven't been polite about it. They haven't been respectful.

I know this, because they have snubbed me impolitely and severely rudely in the past. I have been told that I am fat, ugly, not at all what a woman wants... I've been told that I should go back to my cave, that no one wants to breed with a geek, and that I am physically repellant...

They were not kind... and that is the ONLY thing that I can hold against them.

We are genetically programmed to look for things that will make good offspring... That is the ROOT of our attraction. Appearance, smell, touch, taste... We look for all these things in a potential mate/play partner... Often, the traits we seek are traits that compliment our own, and there are many things that contribute to whether or not you are attracted to someone that you won't even realize you are attracted to about a person...

You have the right to be attracted to what you find attractive. You have the right to not be harassed because of your physicality. You have the right to say no...

But so does everyone else... he, she, other...

And if you are guilty of a double standard of being pissed because he didn't find a big girl attractive, and yet dismissed a bigger male because he wasn't attractive... then you need to stop complaining...

Regardless of this... even if you don't take anything else to heart... treat them with respect... TELL THEM... "I just don't find you attractive." The insults and harshness of your rebukes hurt them as much as they would you.

Images in this issue SHAMELESSLY stolen from the following sources:
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lgk7wqZMGQ1qewlueo1_400.jpg
http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/3460784_700b.jpg
http://a2zhomeschool.com/thesandwichedhomeschooler/files/2011/03/stop_unkind.jpg
http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7006/6492689705_dddf0752c6_z.jpg

Care and Feeding of Your Aspie: Part 6 - Some Advice for Parents of Young Austics

My friend (and I do consider you a friend) Jon suggested this issue of "Care and Feeding." At first I was resistant. At first, I felt that my childhood was lacking in anything that could be helpful to parents of Autistics. I was raised by religious fundamentalists that felt that what was wrong with me could be solved by nothing more than prayer. Couple that with multiple head traumas, the memory loss associated with severe bipolar disorder and the memory loss from medications from treatment of same... This means that I really don't remember much of my childhood that could be described as anything other than mental and physical abuse.

Then I thought about it. I mean, I really thought about it and came up with some advice that I believe would have helped my family when I was growing up. Since I have no frame of reference, I can only give the advice that I can extrapolate from my own personal experiences. Hopefully, this will be helpful to any reading this...

1) If something seems wrong with your child, do not ignore it. 
My parents thought that the referrals and comments from teachers and other professionals as reactionary. As such, they were unwilling to see that I needed help. They felt that I was just a problem child. At their core, all children - NT and Autistic Spectrum alike want to be accepted, respected and loved. If a child is misbehaving, or seems to be oppositional, there is a reason. Do not let the stigma against mental illness in our culture color your perceptions and cause more harm to your child than good.

2) Learn all that you can about autism.

As of today's count, about 1 in 91 children has been diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder (which includes Asperger's Syndrome. While I believe that ASD is an over-used diagnosis, the fact remains that there are a large number of Autistic diagnoses.

Autism is not contagious. At this point, there is a great deal of speculation as to what causes it, but NO ONE knows what causes it. I can state with almost 100% surety, that it is not yeast, geeks marrying geeks, vaccines, mercury, fluoride in the water or almost any other theory that is out there. You can't "catch" it. You either have it or you don't.

Autism Spectrum Disorders are developmental disabilities that will impact a child's social skills, communication skills and behavior. Most often, Autism is going to be diagnosed during the formative years. What this means is that you need to work with them because diagnosis, treatment and skill training the only way to help a child with autism reach their potential.

It cannot be treated. Medications can help with the symptoms, but that is all. They will not help the child's condition. THIS IS NOT TO SAY THAT YOUR CHILD SHOULD NOT BE MEDICATED - IF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL STATES THAT IT IS THEIR PROFESSIONAL OPINION THAT THE CHILD BE MEDICATED, TAKE THAT ADVICE UNDER SERIOUS ADVISEMENT. However, the principle purpose and goal of treatment for Autistic Spectrum individuals is to improve their quality of life and their overall ability to function.

Talk to your doctor and read, read, read on the subject.

3) It will be a journey - there is no ONE solution or treatment/education regimen. 
Autism Spectrum behaviors WILL change with time. As the child develops and certain areas of the brain become active and develop, their understanding and processing of certain stimuli will change. Another reason for this is the development of coping and functional skillsets being applied.

While children with Autism respond (on the whole) best to a highly structured and specialized environment, what is often forgotten is that that structure must evolve with the child. As such, the treatment plan must be re-evaluated as often as is needed...

Sometimes, this can mean that a treatment plan will be in place for months or years and then suddenly need to be changed. Other times, this means that a treatment plan will need to be updated on a weekly basis.

4) Your child is VERY sensitive to changes in body chemistry, texture, light, sound, taste, and especially the changes caused by medications.
With the high incidents of sensory issues involved with Autistic Spectrum individuals, this can be problematic.  (Please reference this entry Aspies and sensory issues for more information) This means that your Autistic child may become oppositional to a situation, food, clothing, medicine or simply the sensations associated with physical maturity. As a parent, it is your responsibility to watch for the telltale signs of a sensory issue. I wish I could tell you what to look for, but each Autistic Spectrum individual's "tells" are different - one thing to watch for is stimming. If your Autistic child stims - it is a sure sign that something is wrong.

5) A strong social network can be your greatest asset.

Any chronic illness in the family can be an emotional and trying situation. The day-to-day care of Autistic Spectrum individuals can be extremely stressful. A lot of this stress comes from the lack of social and communication skills of the Autistic Spectrum individual and their inability to express their thoughts and feelings adequately.

Further, making sure your child gets the care and treatment that is needed can be a challenge - especially due to the lack of social services and support infrastructure. Add to this the worries about diagnoses, prognosis and well being, the situation can become almost untenable.

A strong social support network can help you out with emotional issues - someone who is a confidant and who will help you survive the failures and rejoice in your victories; Institutional - doctors, teachers, caregivers, therapists that are there to provide information and professional advice; and practical support - neighbors, family members and friends that you can rely on to help you out in an emergency.

6) Teach your FAMILY about autism.
Teach your family about your child's condition. By family, I mean ALL of the family members that will have contact with you child. It is all too easy for a family member who is ignorant of your Autistic child's needs can cause mental trauma and cognitive dissonance. Many people will consider this to be an embarrassing thing to talk about. Think about the embarrassment that would be caused by a tantrum or meltdown that could easily have been avoided by a little information.

7) USE CAUTION when considering unproven treatment methods.
As a parent, you want to do what is best for your child. Often, this will mean grasping at ANY proffered cure.

There are many unproven therapies used to treat autism. The safety and effectiveness of these is not known. These therapies and treatments circulate through conspiracy websites, uninformed word of mouth and ignorant media. These treatment options have not bee subjected to scientific study and therefore the validity and safety of the treatment cannot be assured. Even if a friend had a fantastic success using the method suggested, there is no guaranty that it will work for you, or even if it is the treatment that was a result of the treatment in question.

Be cautious of a treatment suggestion if the treatment:

• is based on simplified theories
• promises dramatic results
• sounds too good to be true
• benefits more than a single condition
• is based on anecdotal evidence with no scientific backing
• there are no risks or side effects, therefore no studies are needed
• claims it can CURE autism
• can only be found on websites with no citations. If you cannot track the information, it is wrong.

Some of the unproven therapies are: (the following information was harvested from various sources, including wikipedia)

• a macrobiotic diet. This is predicated on a belief that abnormal yeast colonization is the cause of Autism. Jenny McCarthy claims that her son was Autistic, but a macrobiotic diet cured him. Her son never had Autism.
• Auditory integration training (AIT). Based upon a theory that autism is caused by hearing problems that result in distorted sounds or oversensitivity to noises, this treatment delivers music through special devices.
• Facilitated communication. This method uses a keyboard to assist communication. It has not been found to be helpful and in some cases has been harmful.
• Secretin. This treatment uses an IV injection of secretin (a hormone that stimulates the pancreas and liver) to manage autistic behavior. Anecdotal reports have shown improvement in autism symptoms, including sleep patterns, eye contact, language skills, and alertness. Several clinical trials conducted in the last few years have found no significant improvements in symptoms between children with autism who received secretin and those who received a placebo.
• Chelationtherapy. Mercury exposure as a cause of autism is the basis for this therapy, which uses medications to help the body eliminate the toxins. Children with autism often have a craving for nonfood items or unusual diets that may result in mercury exposure; therefore, mercury exposure may be more of an effect of autism than a cause.
• Immune globulin therapy. An intravenous (IV) injection of immune globulin is based on the assumption that autism is caused by an autoimmune abnormality.

8) Take time for relaxation. 
The best tool you have in your arsenal for dealing with the rigors and difficulties of living with an autistic spectrum child is spending time with them. Take time and schedule downtime... quiet time... not only will your Autistic Child feel more accepted... you will learn more about them and you will alleviate a lot of the problems associated with stress issues and over stimulation.

Images in this issue SHAMELESSLY stolen from the following sources:
http://0.tqn.com/d/friendship/1/0/v/0/-/-/add-as-friend.jpg
http://diamondstoglass.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/19179346.jpg
http://www.youwall.com/papel/a55aae5bde.jpg
http://eliztalks.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/caution_computer.jpg
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S9urTy_XZG8/T7FnrhRqSzI/AAAAAAAAF9k/hGtjosDHWws/s1600/98234835591497120_2kLobcVI_f.jpg

This... just this

That is all