“If it is important... you will find a away.
If it is not... you will find an excuse.”
I am trepidatious. Over the last couple of weeks, I have been procrastinating on something that I actually feel is very important. Two things actually. Actually, let's make that three... four... there's a lot.
I am artistic. That is not to say I am an artist. I don't have the dedication to any one medium to be successful in it. I am a film maker – I write, shoot, edit, sound design and the like. I am a photographer – I try to capture beauty as I see it. I am a novelist – I write novels (I have three done and several others in the works).
The last few weeks I have several projects that I have meant to work on but I just haven't. One film, two (technically three) writing projects and a couple photo projects.
I have meant to start this blog. I really have meant to write a blog for years. Long ago, I was a pundit on a site called Shmeng (www.shmeng.com). I wrote a column titled “Lemmings on Parade.” Due to many of the members moving on, some interpersonal drama and an influx of trollish new blood, the site died. For a while I was fine with it. Then I realized that writing down my opinion and commentary on the status of the world was a catharsis. While a lot of people enjoyed reading it... I needed to write it. I needed to get it out. As I used to say in my column - “If you aren't outraged, you aren't paying attention.” I have put off doing it because, frankly, I am not sure that it is more than just an exercise in vanity. At my age, however, I can afford a little vanity.
I have a couple novels that I REALLY need to get back to. I have sent them to people to be work shopped. The response has been positive. While the people who read my first works assure me that they are being honest. I find myself wondering if they are just being nice. Submitting your work is one of the hardest things you can do. You put your intellectual soul out there to be read and judged. So, honestly, I've been scared to submit my first novel “Death Cramps My Style” for publication. That, however is changing. I will be submitting it for consideration to many publishers, and hopefully my novel can see the light of day. I also realized that I am not writing these things for other people, but for me, so I will be getting back to writing on those other books as well.
I have a screen play that I have been ruminating on since halloween day and I think it is really good... but it is more of the same genre... I seem to only be able to write horror and comedy. I want to write a great movie. Something that will win Oscars and awards and be talked about – leave a lasting mark on the world. Problem is... I am not really sure that I can do that... I WANT TO. I REALLY WANT TO. I WANT TO DO THIS MORE THAN I HAVE WORDS TO DESCRIBE. But I don't think I have the ability to write it. I mean, someone that once said that I was “destined to be the next Ed Wood.” At first I took that as an insult. I mean, Ed Wood is widely considered to be one of Hollywood's worst directors. Guess what... no matter what you think about his skill... you have heard of him. He is well known, and he lived his life making films... living his dream. So... from now on... just call me Ed, bitches.
“Framing the Subject” and “Beautiful in Death” are a couple of the current photography projects that I am working on. These are relatively massive undertakings. Each of them requires 30-100 models to complete. One, “Beautiful in Death” is incredibly morbid, which makes it difficult to find models for. “Framing the Subject” has been just as difficult to find. The reasons are odd... some people don't want to have revealing photos taken of them... and others want to argue with me... I am very open and make every shoot a collaborative process... but what I have envisioned for this shoot has a very specific theme and tone and is not open to much interpretation... Still... I AM GOING TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN.
I've been afraid of failure, but no more... I am the biggest thing in any room and I don't back down... I sure as hell won't back down from myself.
Lastly, I come to the reason for this post... I normally try to be different... I try not to do an idea thatI see everyone else doing, but I saw a photo essay that impressed me and brought inspiration to my door. I will be taking a self portrait a day for an entire year.
I told myself I was going to do this three weeks ago... It didn't happen. I've been scared. First off, this is an INCRERDIBLE commitment. I KNOW that the only person I would let down is me... and that terrifies me. Secondly... I hate photos of myself... and I HONESTLY think that this will add an edge to the work that I don't see in a lot of work. That is not to say that it will be good... but starting tomorrow, I will be taking a photograph of myself every day for one year... 366 days... It's a leap year.
Maybe I should wait.