|If I started typing this list in 1974, this is what|
the desktop PC would have looked like.
1974: The year I am born. It is the beginning of the end of the world. The first product with a bar code was scanned on June 6, 1974 was a 10-pack of Wrigley's gum. Ceausescu bans all contraception in Romania. His 'menstrual police' ensure that all women under 45 undergo quarterly pregnancy tests. Young Frankenstein is released in theaters. Timber is born. "Wait Master, it might be dangerous... you go first."
1975: "Saturday Night Live" premieres on NBC; George Carlin hosts the first show. Vietnam War ends on April 30. The rubik's cube was invented. HOLY CRAP! PEZ!!! HOW DID THEY EVER LIVE BEFORE THIS YEAR? I guess I want to be remembered."
1976:A bronze tetradrachm (a coin stamped with the image of Emperor Nero) was discovered buried in the town of Heavener, OK. This coin was struck in Antioch, Syria in 63 A.D. There have been caches of similar coins found all over the Americas, including one buried in a mound in Texas dated to 800 A.D. The World Toe Wrestling Competition first started at a pub in Derbyshire, UK.
1977: The Big Ear radio telescope heard what many may consider a radio transmission from outer space from an intelligent extra-terrestrial source. Jimmy Hoffa disappears from a parking lot. Son of Sam is caught. Han solo shot greedo. Han shot first! Deal with it.
1978: A 12 year-old Brooke Sheilds stars in a film about a whorehouse called "Pretty Baby". Dan White killed Harvey Milk and George Moscone. The jury agreed that he had diminished mental capacity from eating too many Twinkies. Ben and Jerry opened their first ice cream parlor in Burlington, Vermont. Mork says, "Nanoo, Nanoo!" for the first time. The Bean is born.
1979: A meme is born when Robert Duval said, "I love the smell of napalm in the morning!" in Apocalypse Now. On March 28, Three Mile Island Unit 2 (TMI-2) nuclear power plant near Middletown, Pennsylvania, had a near melt-down. No one was reported killed or injured, but the accident changed many regulations for American nuclear reactors. NASA's Skylab fell to Earth, landing mostly in the Indian Ocean. April 1st - Nickelodeon TV cable network began.
|I was only 6 or 7 and this|
actually tore me up.
1980: Jack Nicholson scared the living monkey shit out of people in "The Shining" - "Here's Johnny!" Who the hell shot J.R.? "Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?" The modem was invented. CNN began broadcasting. The nation wept - John Lennon was shot and killed by Mark David Chapman.
1981: Actress Natalie Wood died, apparently falling overboard after a day/night sailing with hubby Robert Wagner and mutual friend Christopher Walken. William Holden was drunk, fell and cut his head open. He didn't realize how injured he was, didn't call for help, and died from the what should have been a fairly minor stitching. "Betcha can’t eat just one" and Ronald Reagan said, "You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans."
1982: Seven people died from swallowing poisoned Tylenol. This event is why food packages are now so tightly wrapped. John Belushi overdosed on heroin and cocaine. E.T. and Poltergeist scared the ever-loving shit out of me. Electronic Arts was Founded. Newman's Own opened. Kenneth Cole started selling shoes and Adobe software was started. Ghandi took best film.
1983: Jim Thorpe regained his 1912 decathlon and pentathlon Olympic Gold Medals, 30 years fter his death. They were originally taken from him because it was revealed that he played professional minor league baseball for a season in 1908. Captain Bob Pearson landed Flight 143, piloting an Air Canada Boeing 767, at the RCAF Station Gimli, a closed air force base, with several mechanical failures going on, and NO FUEL. Germany's Der Stern magazine obtained Adolf Hitler's secret diaries. After announcing them, and showing them to the world, it was discovered that they were fake. "Would you like to play a game?" The Fondue Goddess is born.
1984: On December 3rd, a Union Carbide plant in Bhopal, India began leaking 27 tons of the deadly gas methyl isocyanate. 20,000 people were killed and an additional 120,000 suffered ailments from this disaster later. Singer Marvin Gaye (April 2, 1939 - April 1, 1984) was shot and killed by his father on the day before his 45th birthday. Michael Dell started selling Dell Computers, targeting small businesses and households instead of the high-end consumers like his competitors (IBM, Apple, Compaq). Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles first appeared in comic books. American Kim Coberly Hula-Hooped for 72 hours in October. Molecular biologist Alec Jeffreys develops DNA testing. "Where's the beef?" - "I'll be back."
|Yeah... That's how I felt about|
"New" Coke a well.
1985: "Project Kansas" secretly tested a new formula for Coca-Cola that became "New Coke." Old Coke was gone, and New Coke sold poorly for three months. ABC's Peter Jennings interrupted General Hospital to announce the return of "Coke Classic." New Coke was actually available until 1992. American Jonathon Pollard was captured spying on the U.S. for the State of Israel. 1942-1985 quick fact: Dentists used uranium in dental porcelains because it helped give a natual color. The Titanic was found 370 miles from Newfoundland. The largest diamond in the world weighed 755.5 carats before it was cut down to 545.67 carats and it was found in South Africa.
1986: Space Shuttle Challenger blew up 73 seconds after take-off, killing all 7 crew members. Tens of thousands of school-age children were watching the flight live because teacher Christa McAuliffe was a member of the crew. Iran-Contra: Several members of the Reagan Administration helped sell arms to Iran, a known enemy of the United States, and used the proceeds to fund the Contras, an anti-communist guerrilla organization in Nicaragua. The USSR's Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant reactor # 4 had a mishap, giving radiation poisoning to an estimated 500,000 to 6,000,000 people. Bobby Ewing came out of the shower, alive. The prior season of Dallas had been a dream. "With heart, faith and steel. In the end there can be only one."
|Yummy brain candy!|
1987: Jim Baker resigned as host of the PTL (Praise The Lord) Club in 1987, after a scandal involving former secretary Jessica Hahn. Gary Hart, Democrat, abandoned his 1988 campaign for U.S. president after details of his alleged affair with Donna Rice became public. Prior, he challenged reporters to "Follow me around", and they did. Robert "Budd" Dwyer was a former Pennsylvania politician who, on January 22, committed suicide by shooting himself in the mouth with a handgun during a live televised press conference. Eli Lilly & Company's Prozac was first sold to the public. 1987 was the year that Red Bull started accelerating parties. "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." - "This is your brain... This is drugs... This is your brain on drugs." - "Nobody puts 'Baby' in a corner."
1988: Rob and Fab, Milli Vanilli's frontmen, didn't really sing, although they were considered good looking guys who could lip sync rather well. They were also smooth stage dancers. The Shroud of Turin had radiocarbon tests indicated that it was from the 13th or 14th century. It should be noted that it had been repaired, even gone through a fire over the past 2000 (or 600) years. Television evangelist Jimmy Swaggart was photographed in series of hook-ups with prostitutes. "I'm not bad- I'm just drawn that way." - "Read my lips: no new taxes." - "Senator, you are no Jack Kennedy."
1989: The Exxon Valdez oil spill in which the tanker hit Prince William Sound's Bligh Reef and spilled an estimated 11 to 30 million gallons of oil on March 24. The captain, Joseph Hazelwood, was drinking at the time. Salmon Rushdie published The Satanic Verses - as a Muslin writing the heresy in the book, Ayatollah Khomeini ordered a 'fatwa' on him - a command ordering followers of the Musalim faith to kill him. The fatwah was lifted in 1998. Allegations that Major League Baseball star Pete Rose gambled on the game became public. 1989 - The Energizer Bunny was introduced to an unsuspecting public, replacing gymnast Mary Lou Retton as the energetic spokesperson. "Fahrvergnügen." - "I'll have what she's having." - "Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary." Glitch is born.
|I was going to put a pic of the invention|
of the internet, but this came up on the
search... so here it is...
1990: Rocker Chuck Berry was accused and sued by several women who claimed that he had installed a video camera in the ladies' bathrooms at two of his St. Louis restaurants. Rob and Fabrice, better known as Milli Vanilli, have to return their "Best New Artist" Grammy because they didn't sing on their hit album. Jim Henson dies of pneumonia. I wept. World Wide Web/Internet protocol (HTTP) and WWW language (HTML) created by Tim Berners-Lee. George H.W. Bush said "I do not like broccoli. I haven't liked it since I was a little kid, and my mother made me eat it. And I'm the President of the United States, and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli."
1991: Kentucky Fried Chicken officially changed its name to KFC. Conspiracists claimed that it was because they weren't selling actual chickens, but some kind of cloned, headless chicken bodies. The original name was shortened so it would no longer be "false advertising." Paul 'Pee Wee Herman' Reubens was caught in adult theater doing an inappropriate public act. Cannibal serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer was captured. He had killed, and sometimes eaten, 17 people. Unsung hero Tim Berners-Lee came up with the idea of making 'links' on his own compter, then others, creating "The Information Mine" (TIM) later renamed the "World Wide Web". He renounced patent rights because it "would have scuppered the whole thing. It never would have taken off." - "Hasta La Vista Baby."
1992: I graduated from high school. Woody Allen (age 56) left his long-term partner Mia Farrow after she discovered his secret affair with her adopted daughter, Soon-Yi Previn. Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher shot the wife of her lover, Joey Buttafuocco (pronounced Butt-a-foo-co), Mary Jo Buttafuocco in the face. Mary Jo survived and later divorced her husband. MTV introduced The Real World reality TV show. Prior to this, the network was known for running music videos believe it or not. "You can't handle the truth!" - "It's the economy, stupid" - "There's no crying in baseball!"
1993: Michael Jackson was alleged to have engaged in sexual activities with a teenage boy. Brandon Lee was shot to death on the set of The Crow. River Phoenix died of an overdose outside of the Viper Room in Los Angeles. Don Ameche died on December 6th. I did not learn about this for years after (2011)... when I did, I cried. "The Truth is out there"
1994: Tonya Harding (the antagonist) and Nancy Kerrigan (the protagonist) ice skating rivalry resulted in some friends of Tonya, including her husband Jeff Gillooly and associates Shawn Eckhardt and Shane Stant, attempting to bust Nancy's kneecaps at the U.S. Figure Skaing Championship. She had to withdraw, but did well for herself with endorsements and winning the Silver Medal in the Olympics in 1994. On June 17th, a white Ford Bronco belonging to O.J. Simpson's friend, Al Cowlings, was watched by the entire nation since it was carrying a now fugitive, O.J. Simpson, who was "holding a gun to Al's head". A note from O.J., sounding like a suicide note, was read to police by his lawyer. Kurt Cobain commited suicide. Jeffrey Dahmer died in prison. John Candy passed away. Richard Nixon died. "My momma always said that life was like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get."
|Drew can table dance for me ANYTIME!|
1995: Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols killed 168 people in Oklahoma City, including 19 children. Drew Barrymore table danced for David Letterman on his talk show, and, with her back to the audience, flashed David by lifting up her shirt. Patrick Combs deposited one of those fake "winning lottery checks" for $95,093.35. His bank took the deposit, and after several weeks, he took out the cash. Marlon Brando kisses Larry King on the Larry King Live. Christopher Reeve falls off his horse and is paralyzed. "Houston, we have a problem."
1996: JonBenet Ramsey was found killed in her basement, and the killer was never found. Margaux Hemingway, age 42,died from a deliberate overdose of phenobarbitol. Theodore Kaczynski, the Unabomber was captured. He had killed and injured 23 people in his 17 year spree. He was turned in by his brother, David. Binti, a gorilla at the Brookfield Illinois Zoo, grabbed a 3 year-old who had fallen in the cage, protected him from the other apes, and delivered him to zoo personel at the gate. December 20th, 1996: Carl Sagan died. I was devastated. "You had me at 'hello'."
1997: Marv Albert went on trial for felony charges of forcible sodomy, which involved the alleged repeated biting of an unnamed female sex partner. Eddie Murphy was stopped by the police with a transsexual prostitute. He explained that it was all a misunderstanding; he was merely giving the young lady/ man a ride. WebMD went online in 1997, enabling hypochondriacs the world over. Purell was launched as a product for consumers. It had been used by healthcare workers since 1988, paving the way for SUPER VIRUSES!!! "Oh my God! They killed Kenny!" - "I'm king of the world!"
1998: George Michael was arrested in 1998 for "engaging in a lewd act" in a public restroom in a Beverly Hills, CA park. Monica Lewinsky and President Bill Clinton. The news of this extra-marital affair and the resulting investigation eventually led to the impeachment hearing of Bill Clinton in 1998 by the U.S. House of Representatives. At 82, Frank Sinatra dies. MP3s are created for the first time. Larry Page and Sergey Brin misspelled 'googol' when they started their search engine experiment. "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." - "It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is."
1999: Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France for the first time. Brandi Chastain's penalty kick won the Women's World Cup for the U.S. Women's Soccer Team, beating China. She dropped to her knees and ripped off her jersey in celebration. Sports bras as outer wear became somewhat fashionable for a few months after that. Y2k!!! Many thought that most computers would stop working when the year 2000 hit. Pac-Man's Perfect Score! Billy Mitchell, played Pac-Man for six hours non-stop to reach the 256th screen and achieve a score of 3,333,360. "I see dead people." - "Is that your final answer?"
|I was gonna put a pic of Jennifer Lopez's Grammy Dress,|
but Drew Barrymore is just too yummy!
2000: Jenifer Lopez's Grammy Dress dips so low that I could see her toes! Halle Berry's lawyer said that "neither drugs nor alcohol played any part in this accident." after Halle fled the scene, claiming she had no memory of the auto accident. Meg Ryan left hubby Dennis Quaid for what turned out to be a fling with Russell Crowe. Robert Downey Jr and Merv Griffin are caught with ALL the cocaine. "I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?"
2001: American Airlines Flight 11 hit the North Tower of the World Trade Center in NYC -87 passengers and crew, 5 hijackers were killed. United Airlines Flight 175 hit the South Tower, NYC -60 passengers and crew, 5 hijackers. Total World Trade Center - 2,606 people. 411 emergency workers were killed. United Airlines Flight 90 (Crashed near Shanksville, PA) -40 passengers and crew, 4 hijackers. American Airlines Flight 77 (hit the Pentagon) -59 passengers and crew, 5 hijackers -125 Pentagon employees. Angelina Jolie gave a passionate open-mouth kiss to her brother, James, which made many people almost forget Bjork's goose dress. Enron's accounting scandal cost investors something close to $60 Billion, and their accounting firm, Arthur Anderson, went out of business. Gary Condit, a Democrat California congressman, had an affair with his intern, Chandra Levy. May 11th, 2001: Douglas Adams died. I was deeply shaken. iPod was released October, 2001. The X-Box came out in November, 2001.
2002: Michael Jackson dangled Prince Michael II, off a balcony from a Berlin hotel room. Enron's 2001 surprise bankrupcty was just the beginning when it's accounting firm, Arthur Andersen, was implicated in a huge accounting fraud scandal. AA was also dissolved in this scandal. R & B singer R. Kelly liked to twiddle with underage girls, according to the visual evidence of videos he made. Winona Ryder was sentenced to three years probation, 480 hours of community service, $3,700 in fines, $6,355 in restitution, and ordered to attend psychological and drug counseling after being found guilty of stealing $5,500 worth of merchandise from Saks Fifth Avenue. Raelian UFO sect/sex cult scientists announced that they, through their company called Clonaid, had cloned the first human baby. They didn't. "My precious." - "What happens here, stays here."
|This dog is from Texas too.|
2003: Paris Hilton's sex tape, with then-boyfriend Rick Salomon, One Night In Paris, was released. New York Times reporter Jayson Blair resigned after being confronted with evidence of fabricating quotes and details in at least 36 articles. Natalie Maines, lead singer for the Dixie Chicks, told a London crowd that "We're ashamed that the President of the United States is from Texas." Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh entered rehab for addiction to prescription drugs oxycodone and hydrocodone. Michael Jackson was alleged to have engaged in sexual activities with a teenage boy (again). John Ritter died at age 54. I was stunned. The Human Genome Project that mapped the structure of DNA and all the specific information that it contained completed its work. "Where do buffalo wings come from? Chickens or buffaloes?"
2004: Janet Jackson's right breast was exposed by Justin Timberlake during 2004’s Super Bowl halftime show. "I am a gay American" - James McGreevey, Democrat Governor of New Jersey, revealed that he was gay and admitted an extramarital affair with aide Golan Cipel. The arguably criminal aspect of hiring a non-qualified lover to be in charge of NJ's Homeland Security Office was overshadowed by the sex scandal. During the 2004 US Presidential Campaign, CBS and Dan Rather used what were probably forged documents during a 60 Minutes Wednesday report on George W. Bush's Vietnam-era service record. The report was written with a modern computer, not the IBM Selectric that would have been used in 1972. Britney Spears married high school friend Jason Alexander (not the Seinfeld star! which would have been soo much cooler.) for nearly an entire weekend (55 hours). Morgan Spurlock gained 25 pounds in 30 days eating only McDonalds food. It took him 14 months to lose the weight. Ashlee Simpson was caught lip-syncing on Saturday Night Live on October 24. A tsunami killed nearly quarter of a million people in Indonesia and the entire South Asian area, including Sri Lanka, India and Thailand. It was caused by an underwater earthquake with guesstimated Magnitude of 9.2. It lasted nearly 10 minutes and some waves were 100 feet tall.
|Pardon the language, but that|
girl Katrina is a real BITCH!
2005: Brad Pitt leaves Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie. Tom Cruise showed us his true "Tom Cruise Craziness" by jumping up and down on Oprah's couch. Michael Schaivo successfully sued to have his brain-damaged wife Terri's feeding tube removed. England's Prince Harry went to a costume party dressed as a Nazi. Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans. Many people on both political sides and up and down the political power tree made mistakes. Hunter S. Thompson kills himself. Ashtun Kutcher and Demi Moore got married on September 24. (Icky) "I'm the decider."
2006: Mark Foley, Republican from Florida, was a member of the United States Congress who sent sexually explicit emails to an underage page. Duke University lacrosse team scandal took place when some members allegedly took advantage of a dancer/stripper. Terrell Owens supposedly tried to kill himself by taking 35 painkillers. Zinedine Zidane headbutted Marco Materazzi during the World Cup Final. On Domino Day, November 13, 2009, a total of 4,491,863 dominos were toppled. iTunes billionth song was downloaded in February 2006. It was 'Speed of Sound' by Coldplay. The first female space tourist was Iranian Anousheh Ansari. She paid $20,000,000 to get onto the International Space Station. Russian cosmonaut hit a golf ball in space for an estimated 2.2 billion yard drive, during a space walk. "Are you going to ask that question with shades on?" - "Why do they hate each other? Why do Sunnis kill Shiites? How do they tell the difference? They all look the same to me." - "I'm going to sexually molest your dog."
2007: Anna Nicole Smith died from a drug overdose at age 39. Akon had a rather sexy dance with this fourteen-year old young lady at an "over 18 only" concert in Trinidad. When confronted with the press, and her preacher father, Danah Alleyne admitted that it wasn't her best idea. Paris Hilton spent 23 days in jail for her DUI. Nerd Legend Freddy Anderssom completed Super Mario Bros 3 in only 11 minutes and 3 seconds. PS3!!! "I personally believe the U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps, and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa or should help the Iraq and Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for us." - “I’m going back to work right now.” - "Don't Taze me, bro!"
|Show me on the doll where the old, scary lady touched you!|
2008: Bruce Willis, ex-wife Demi Moore and her new husband Ashton Kutcher went sailing and fishing together, and this oddly disturbing, unretouched photo is proof of the event. 2008 was kinda boring... there were some cool movies, though. The Dark Knight, Iron Man, Hancock, Wall-E, Kung Fu Panda. March 19th, 2008: Arthur C. Clark died. I was depressed for weeks. Clark was one of the reasons I started writing. June 22nd, George Carlin died. Cognitive dissonance made me useless for a week."We have sort of become a nation of whiners." - "It's not based on any particular data point, we just wanted to choose a really large number." - "The fundamentals of America's economy are strong." - "Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency." - "Anyone who says we're in a recession, or heading into one - especially the worst one since the Great Depression - is making up his own private definition of "`recession.'" - "There are no atheists in foxholes and there are no libertarians in financial crises."
2009: Golfer Tiger Woods allegedly took part in extramarital affairs with ten women including Playboy model Loredana Jolie and porn star Holly Sampson. Richard and Mayumi Heene of Fort Collins, Colorado claimed their 6-year-old child was trapped inside a gas balloon that floated up to altitudes of 7,000 feet. The incident received mass media attention but turned out to be a hoax. Kanye West did not let Taylor Swift finish at the MTV VMA awards and interrupts her during her acceptance speech. She cried. Michael Jackson, The King of Pop, died while preparing for a series of concerts. James Cameron does it again... Avatar. "We say Obamanough already." - "I'm 47, how am I supposed to look." - "I've lost a lot of roles because of my height. I'm 6ft 3in in heels. Producers are short and I was never their sexual fantasy." - "The Nobel Peace Prize is the rest of the world saying, 'Don't blow it'."
|This is the Picasso.|
2010: 7.0-magnitude earthquake devastates Port-au-Prince, Haiti. It is the region's worst earthquake in 200 years. A Picasso painting sells for a record-breaking $106.5 million at a Christie's auction. An explosion in the Eyjafjallajokull volcano in Iceland results in a volcanic ash plume in the atmosphere over northern and central Europe. Air travel in the region is halted for several days, causing the cancellation of several thousand flights and disrupting the travel plans of millions of people. An explosion on a BP oil drilling rig off the coast of Louisiana kills 11 people and injures 17. Experts estimate that 13,000 gallons of crude oil per hour pour into the Gulf of Mexico. Britney Spears appeared on hit show Glee, Sex and the City 2 was a flop of epic proportions and some YouTube video talking about rainbows went viral. How is Kim Kardashian still a celbrity??? "This day has come! 'Don't ask, don't tell' is over, and you no longer have to sacrifice your integrity." - "My handwriting was the despair of my teachers. But my classmates gave me the nickname Einstein." - "It's a good thing to be old, because that means you haven't died yet, right?"
2011: North Korea proposed talks with South Korea. A package that was addressed to Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano combusts at the post office. Rio de Janeiro floods kill hundreds. Arizona Congress woman Gabrielle Giffords is shot with a Glock pistol. She survives and Glock sales sky rocket. Egypt rebels. Democratic lawmakers leave the state of Wisconsin to prevent a vote. A nuclear power plant in Japan melts down. UFOs spotted by hundreds over Lafayette, CO. Osama Bin Laden was killed. Steve Jobs died. Occupy Wall Street started, and it spreads... police get stupid over it. SOPA Rears its ugly head. The Mars rover is launched. The Iraq war officially ends - two days later, Kim Jong-il dies. Vaclav Habel died. Charlie Sheen--no explanation necessary. Fuck The Jersey Shore. Amy Winehouse died. Harry Potter Series ends... and damn has Emma Watson grown. "We're getting closer and closer to finding a habitable world." - "Just when I get into it, it stops. It's like a really bad orgasm." - "Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow." (These are reportedly Steve Jobs' last words... It moved me) - "My friends and I have been coddled long enough by a billionaire friendly Congress." - "A sugarcoated Satan sandwich" - "I just killed a pig and a goat. I celebrated by drinking their blood naked at dawn." - "I have $9m left. It's a decent amount and I'm not looking for sympathy, but it isn't an awful lot for someone who has been at the top of his profession for 40 years." - "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen." - "Egypt is free!"
|Egypt is free!|
So... it's 2012... I know it's March already, but I don't think you need to be told anything that's happened this year... it's so fresh... I probably won't do this for another 38 years... I'm that lazy... But I do have to say... in spite of all the horrible things that happened... its been a fun ride. See you in 2050 with my next list.
The images in this issue SHAMELESSLY stolen from the following sources: